Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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