i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize