Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
