I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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