That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Come see our sink grown plant.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
