Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
