did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
