i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
