we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
