You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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