The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
