Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
