But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
