I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
