if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
