apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
