So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Come on in and take your pants off
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