Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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