I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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