I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
