Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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