I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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