the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
