What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
