he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
