You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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