I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Randomize
