Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
