Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
