so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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