stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
