Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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