We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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