I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
