Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
