Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
