Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
