and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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