Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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