I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
