It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
