after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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