I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
