I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
