my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
