I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
