Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
