i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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