we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
