as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
