plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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