1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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