Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
