just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
