I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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