cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
