Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
