just tell him i said nine months
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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