I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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