I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
