wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
